i do not have supportive parents.

"don't  talk rubbish"

for every action, there is an equal reaction, and this is what i live by everyday. i believe that everything happens for a reason, and that karma exists. 

i came to Hell today.  usually when i enter Hell, the emperor and empress of hell would have turned in already, leaving me with some sense of freedom.  However, today's different.  everyone in hell was up.  the emperor had just stepped into Hell right after i slammed the door shut.  I heard the empress say something in dialect , " you buy so much also no use, as if you will get a chance to eat it"

that implied that i will eat everything he bought before he even eats one of the thing they were talking about.  

usually i forbid myself from talking in hell. talking is taboo-your tongue will get chopped off personally by the empress and your head beheaded by the emperor.  

but i needed to inform one of the royal highnesses about my plans for the weekend and the emperor happened to walk past, and i just blurted out, 'i'm going to stay at STPI on sat and sun" 

"what is STPI"

"the place that i work at...."

"why everywhere you also want to stay, school also stay now there also stay..."

"because the indian artist is here in singapore and she's living in the apartment there, so we are attached to her for the weekend, its a good opportunity"

"who is going with you, girl or boy"

"girl la"

then the empress went "what what tell me wait what tell me, why everyday so late"

"i went for exhibiton"

"why exhibition two days also must go..."

"tell u also no use u dun understand"

and the empress got all angry.  but first, check out what she had said to him before i started to talk this way.  she had insulted me a glutton. she doesnt understand.  she never will and it is true.  

when i got out from the bathroom she was yelling and saying that i am useless, even after being educated i talk like this,  and the emperor went on further to say that he provides me with money but it all ends up with me being like this.  

i needed to defend myself.  and i lectured the empress.  i questioned her if she ever realised what triggered me to react this way.  i told her that she had just commented to the emperor that i was greedy and would wipe out all the food he bought which was very unecessary, and of course it got me angry.  and she said it was true.  but i told her many times before that it happens because she keeps saying that i do not eat rice and athis and that which triggers me as a cool and calm person to become unstable, and i end up eating more and more and then puke.  and i told her that she never tries to understand.  i also questioned her if she was ever interested in what i was doing. an obvious no.  since young, i told her, she has never been supportive of my artistic career.  and i Screamed at  her if she was supportive she'd allow me to attend all these exhibitions and all with no qualms. and they said i should have called home.  but i told them cant they see that i am so engrossed that i forget to call, that i want to be there so badly i just forgo and forget everything else.  i told them they didnt understand.  he told me not to talk rubbish.  i told her if she was supportive i would have told her everything she'd wanna know, and that we'd be close.  we are not close because she has never been supportive in anything i did.  and she said she didnt care if we are close or not, telling me i always escape from doing the housework and i told her its not that i don't wanna help out but i need to more time with art first and if she was supportive she'd let me get the exposure i needed to be successful in my artistic career.  

it was like this back and forth back and forth back and forth.

then he said wait till u go out and work see what your boss say.  and i told him, i am working what.  and he told me to shut up and not to talk rubbish.  and i told him u see u dun understand.  

i am now in the dark , in my room, on the bed.  

they never understand, and when i try to explain they are never interested, or if they ever listen, they mock my ideas.  its a waste of energy and it hurts me badly. 

like last week with the fish prints, the empress had got the world to know that her daughter is a weirdo who buys fish from Sheng Siong to bring to work for art.  And mocks me and go in a fit of laughter with everyone else smirking, even my relatives.  i had to explain to them that it was a gyotaku print that the japanese used to practice and they turn away with a smile on their faces, and i know what they are thinking.  They just don't know how to appreciate art.  they fail to see the details of the scales and the beauty of it all.  It makes me sad.  

If you had people around you who treat you like this, ain't it very negative and you'd tire after trying to make them understand throught out your whole life already?  

dear emperor and empress of hell.  it is not that i dont communicate.  when i try you guys put me down, and anything i felt honour or sucess, i fail to tell you, i don't even want you to know.  because after it all i know you will never understand, and you pull me deeper and deeper into the depths of the ocean, and drown me in the process.  And when i start to grow stronger due to withstanding the ocean currents as you place me there, i paddle one foot up for you guys to pull me back down again.  

Eventually i drown.  And i bet you still won't ever understand.  

do i even know you? 

i wish i didn't. 

i never wanted to anyway.

you have never looked at me and smiled before.  

and if you did now i'd puke, all over your freshly pressed sheets. 

and i don't ever want you to touch me.  

because  i do not know you

and you do not know me.  

you don't even want to know me.  

because we are not related afterall.  

we are not related.  

we do not know each other. 

not at all.