i) cutting nails
i used to cut them so darn short that you could barely see them. even when i cut them the day before, i'd do that again the next night, force it even when it hurts, and cut cut cut away. Hence, my nails never grew. Fingernails, toenails... i'd trim them everyday that when i was doing homework, and got stuck at a question i'd just grab my scissors and start cutting. and ever so often the raw meat'll be exposed and it'll start to bleed
ii) pimple squeezing
pimples started to emerge when i was in primary 4. i loved to see the yellow pus emerging as i squeezed these pimples. especially when i did the blackheads on my nose. i loved to observe the eruption of the blackhead connected to the long thin capsule of yellow solid that engulfed the tiny hair follicle. i knew it would leave a huge red patch but i did it anyway. most of the time my face would be filled with sores and red areas and open pores, red with coagulated blood, sometimes white liquid filled with leukocytes. i was convinced that i wanted to remain ugly as i hated boys then. Again, i'd stop during studying to look at my face in the mirror and start.
iii) scalp scratching
my scalp got more and more oily as puberty took its course. no matter how clean i scrubbed my head during showers, these head pimples(forgot what they are called) would appear. I dug my nails into my scalp when i shampoo my hair and i would always feel them. Since i was conscious of their existence, i'd start touching them whenever i wasnt engaged in anything important. i used to pick white hairs off my dad's head too then, and i noticed these pimples on his head too. his was 1cm in circumference and i loved to pick the hairs off the pimple. every other month i'd go back to the same pimple and pick out the new hairs that grew in place of the previous plucking- in order for it to remain bald.
iv) eyebrows
my eyebrows have always been thick. it was the eyebrow trimming trend that has come of age to teens and my friend once suggested during a chemistry class that i could make them thinner and more refined. i attempted to trim them myself, using tweezers. but i could never perfect them. every night i trimmed my eyebrows, and they became over plucked very soon. till now they remain over plucked and i cannot live without my eyebrow pencil. it seems like i love to disfigure my face very much in order to handle stress.
v) fatness
i started to gain weight after i believed that i'd remain underweight no matter how much i ate. i had 2 bars of kit kat chunky bars, a one litre bottle of kikapoo, lor mee, a cup of bubble tea, 4 bowls of rice, a giant bowl of instant mee, bread talk bread, and ice cream everyday. i was also stressed because boys i hung out with made fun of me being hairy, and there was major gossip amongst the boys of the same level as i was in their school that i had facial hair. even the people i have never met before came online to ask me if i really had facial hair. During sunday breakfasts with these "friends" i hung out with, they'd go, "girls with facial hair are such turn offs" "ya which girl has facial hair?" "hey michelle has facial hair right?" and they all turned towards me.
vi) obesity
i became obese and was pulled into TAF club for recess runs almost every day. sec four prom was coming right up and i wanted to wear a nice outfit for the occasion. i always believed that when we are young, we've all gotta remain slim to enjoy our childhood, enjoy wearing nice clothes. but with that weight i was stuck in, i looked fat in everything. i turned to wearing boys clothes. also, i had to wear boys clothes because my mom always made my sister and i wear exactly the same clothes, because my sister never wanted me to wear anything she thought was nicer than her(this went on ever since she was 3 and i hated people calling us twins).
when you get educated, you learn abou twhat bullimia and anorexia is all about, and at the same time you want to save your ego, from people thinking you are fat, and calling you fat(guys i played soccer with referred me to "that fat convent girl"), you turn to short cuts.
i started to eat less rice, which worked, and then i totally didn't eat rice at all, and then i tried not to eat, but i ended up eating more, and then, i start to puke it all up... which made me lose about 6 kgs by the time prom came. by 17 i lost about 10 kgs.
i could puke up to 7 times a day, and it'll tire me out so much i'd break down. sometiems i cant even breathe. i get dizzy spells and my blood sugar levels dropped really lowww.
i'm fat again and its back once in a while. argh... sometimes people don't understand and ask me why i dont eat meals, but i am actually trying to battle this disorder by packing food like healthy salads or... its not all about losing weight. u can go google it. its totally different from anorexia. some even force me to eat, put spoonfulls of fried rice into my mouth.
sometimes i keep eating and eating, but that's because i am preparing for the purge. especially when u see me eat unhealthy stuff( i hate eating unhealthy stuff) you know what i've got planned for. aosjfoiwaejifhagjijaljiojt and THEY are not helping.
vii) suicide
i've always wanted to die in secondary school after i found out the reality of what my life revolved around- pleasing THEM. blah blah blah just know that i dislike THEM. i never had a good childhood. (imagine parents coming down with cane and dragging you home when they think you are a disgrace for playing soccer barefooted... at a church fun fair that i was in charged of in sec two, SHE saw that i was preparing to get dunked with flour and water at a dunking booth, SHE dragged me home and punished me without food as i knelt in front of the altar . my classmates had to clear up in my absence and i wasnt supposed to leave as i hadn't taken my attendance yet. (this always made me unpopular with the kids. ) SHE always loved to humiliate me and punished me inside, and outside the house. often i would kneel at my doorstep and pull my ears, at the same time block the passage of my neighbours so that they'd see as i "reflect". once she made me eat a whole pot of boiled red beans left after making red bead soup because i didnt eat my red beans in my soup. so i stood there in the kitchen and slowly stuffed my guts with it till HE saw what was happening. anfknaenfmiownefaunuignuirnag i remember everything clearly. this is not everything. i was always the ugly one. SHE would always be showing off my younger sister to friends, MY FRIENDS DURING MY 14TH BIRTHDAY LUNCH asking them who was prettier, asking them if i was smelly, why i was so tan, why i didnt look like anyone in the family...................................................... telling HER sister over the phone in her dialect that she felt damn fed up seeing me around the house..... nothing i did could make THEM happy... a little spill on the table would result in me being shouted at... i always felt like a prisoner. HENCE I LOVE STAYING IN SCHOOL. never want to go home to hell.
viii) hair cutting
once one disorder is overcome, next one appears, and it gets worse. i bought a hair cutting comb with blades in it so that i could cut my hair myself because hairdressers could never get it right. one side would be shorter or thinner than the other and i had to make it right. btu i was wrong. one day i'd cut one side and it'll be right for one day but on the next day, i'd find that i cut that part too short, or i'd find another part the hairdresser got wrong...
my hair never grew longer than my ears from 17 onwards, and i never had hair below my shoulders. my hair was so short around my ear area that they always irritated my ear lobes as those short strands i cut grew longer the next month.
ix) trichotillomania
i started to touch these parts of my hair so that i could put them behind my ears to prevent them from falling into my ear. i get frustrated during class so much that i tried to pull those out. as i pulled those out it became comfortable and i had to balance it on the other side of my head. soon i didnt have to cut my hair, i pulled them. sometimes i pull the wrong strand and i end up with an excess and these turn much of my head bald above my ear areas. but no one could see it because the hair above the area was longer and covered it. the hairs i pulled left red spots as i damaged the hair follicles. it still gets uncontrollable when i get stressed.
x) (forgot the name)
i've had this syndrome since young till my really good friend pointed out stuff to me. my head's been really brainwashed by THEM and i believed many things that are not true, only true to them so that i obey. likei get so scared by their threatens that i just listen to them, even though i know it isnt right. i get so confused that even now my mentality is stuck in primary school. my intelligence never really progressed. with all these stress and disorders, it's caused my iq to fail badly. i never got the scholarships and bursaries from sec 2 onwards. i broke a 5-6 year record. i was never top 10 nor 20 in the level anymore. (this also drove me a little crazy and THEY pressured me more, i never had fun, never went out, people called me a nerd.)......................... my best friend has always wanted to take me to the shrink for a psychiatric consultation because he's afriad that i'll become more sick(i believe i'll end up in IMH one day).
yar yar art blog yet i am ranting here, but these are stuff i could use in art projects. many artists produce self portraits as they are traumatised by certain life events, like frida kahlo and her misfortune...................... and many artists are crazy, crazy as van gogh i can be.
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